*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
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Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake