[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks