[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.