[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My dog ate my work from home.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo