[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
You are not alone 💚