so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.