Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Jurassic park gets weird
I’ve had worse
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I love the National Park Service.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.