Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
You Might Also Like
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills