@YoungNobler: Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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@roostermustache: [in catholic church] Me: can i make a confession Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
@itsdivbaby: when i hear fat people say that they've made mistakes, i always think to myself, "yeaa...at the grocery store."
@ComedicBust: We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.
@flashember: DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A DOG'S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it