Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
You Might Also Like
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
When you’re here for the treats.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*