Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.