[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.