I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.