*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click