losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
kitchen magnet
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
So inspired right now.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)