Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas