*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
You Might Also Like
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Lassie, get help!
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments