Do not steal food from the science building!
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Stonehinge
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby