Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?