I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
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You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS