Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.