People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.