Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
tourist season
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.