Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
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cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”