[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
The Sun
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup