@ThingsJackDigs: Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here? *everyone looks at me* Me [dressed as Batman]: that's not me, my name is Jack

@Home_Halfway: I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I'm sleeping.

@dreamthievin: ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

@motrboatr: Thanks, but it's spelled "sexiest", not "sexist". Stupid woman.

@ComedicBust: MECHANIC: looks like it’s the transmission. It’s going to cost 5 grand. ME: [hiking up my pants, pretending I know what I’m talking about] Sure it’s not the ol’ mcgriddle? MECHANIC: the McDonalds breakfast sandwich? ME: Debit or credit?