Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
The sacred texts.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.