@Book_Krazy: Dr: You've gained some weight Me: You said I should take it easy Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick Me: WELL I'M NOT A MIND READER

@OtherDanOBrien: Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don't do nuthin dumb Me: That's a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English - hey, come back

@aaronnemo: Me: You're the only one who truly gets me. Chipotle guy: What? Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.

@Breadery: *Approaches girl at bar* Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes! Me: You have lovely hairy eyes Brain: My bad.

@Ghetto_Trophy: Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.