Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.