*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Butt weight. There’s more!
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Muppet Screams
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.