Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
You Might Also Like
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
The future is now.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired