I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.