@better_off_dad: United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
@MarfSalvador: Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you- Son owl: Don’t say it Dad: Power of a tawny Son: [turns head]
@Tormny_Pickeals: *passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
@BubblesnBooze: I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you'll never know.