@better_off_dad: United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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@briangaar: Whenever people are like "We need to restore traditional values to this country" I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake
@KeetPotato: *gives gf a small gift wrapped box* "aww what's this, youre so sweet" *opens it* "wait, is this my toothbrush?" YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN
@simoncholland: I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.