@better_off_dad: United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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@jwoodham: DATING TIP: Don't reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
@markedly: BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card ME: How'd you know it wasn't me B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try M: Dear god
@radtoria: Fastening a pendant around my son's neck before dying for him, "Keep this always. The audience won't recognize you as an adult without it"
@Thynebear: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists. [interviewer thinking] holy smokes he's good