United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty