United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
sigh
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.