UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul