[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?