[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
fixed it
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Duolingo getting serious.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.