I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
You Might Also Like
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Botany good plants lately?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best