[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal