Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.