Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
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Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
He just like my cat fr
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Damn what did I do next
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys