Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.