“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
There is wisdom there.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”