Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Cinematography is my passion
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit