Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.