coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
guilty
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend