The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.