*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m about to risk it all
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.