@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *calls* How are my kids? Grandma: We're having so much fun Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra- Grandma: Come get your kids.

@fightforfood: [dentist's full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?] so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

@MiddleageM: Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time... Me:It's amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you...

@TacoStamp1: Damn my stomach is making really weird noises...I'm gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.

@SergioValenCo: You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.