@Michael1979: Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness *I slip him a twenty* T: They fail because you're great & everyone else is awful

@Mikecanrant: T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.

@Alexclaimer: *walks up to IKEA return counter *rips receipt into tiny pieces *tells the clerk to put it together himself

@Rlpihl: First guy to invent a bread bowl was like "I'm gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it"

@Bill_Nye_tho: i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don't like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals