Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
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Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me irl
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
3% human
97% stress
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.