@gerryhallcomedy: If anyone on the street asks for directions - give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
@briancthayer: *licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn--
W: ...
M: You're welcome.
@AristotlesNZ: 9yo: Look what I made!
Me: What?
9yo: I taped 2 toilet rolls & made binoculars!
Me: Great.*Holds up iPhone* This is what 9yos in China make.
@gianni_bcn: Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven
*Gets hit by a water ballon*
Jesus: That's not what I meant, Paul
@Douchekevin: I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.
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