Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Pot warmers of the day.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
You know…for fall…
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys