In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
reviewed some movies recently
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?