@MarcusTheToken: Unless you're a direct descendent of a horse, don't chew with your mouth open.
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@JakeSocial: Just received an email saying: "Want to see Celine Dion live?" My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
@Book_Krazy: "Last call for flight 254" [Runs to gate] "You barely made it" [out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan
@Flykins: COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"