Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials