Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
🙀🙀🙀😹
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG