Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
You Might Also Like
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.