Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Seek kebab; not attention
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.