Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Lmfao
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir